“Killing What I Rub”

-Jeffrey Bab

Last night my penis and I were having a fight. It rarely happens, but when it does he usually wins. I’d like to claim victory on this one, though.

Usually, porn movies are something my penis and I have a deep understanding about. I mean, he and I both know that someone is getting naked, someone is definitely having sex and we’re both doing something about it.

The VCA flick, “Killing Courtney Luv,” started the scuffle. The movie seemed okay at first. The obvious tribute to “Taxi Driver,” has the De Niro-esque character writing in his journal about his obsession with the famous rock star, Courtney Luv. Cut to his shrine of clippings of her and I think you seriously have the actual headlines from the real Courtney Love with the pasted on body of Phoebe Luxe. I was a little intrigued. Could this be a decent and/or different porno? My penis, on the other hand, hadn’t seen a vagina yet and was beginning to get irritable.

You learn that Ms. Luv never shows up to practice cause she’s always fucked up, and her band (whose characters are the best part of the movie) can never get to writing that new album. “Blah, blah, blah,” said my penis.

The first sex scene introduces Courtney Luv by way of some weird dude that probably makes a trip every year to Burning Man, but never changes his “freaky” costume. Courtney is set up on a rooftop, and pleases herself in all manner of ways with toys that must come from some secret rooftop toy chest. There's also one hospital issue enema.

The movie’s next five sex scenes look like they were ripped from the playbook of Max Hardcore and his choose your own anal adventure series. The taxi driver's buddies trade stories about the skanks they’ve fucked and voila. I say, “boring.” My penis says, “Let’s play.”

[Me] I said no.
[My penis] Yes.
[Me] Have you been watching this man? There’s only so many times I can see that chunky redhead take it in the ass, and then immediately suck the guy off. You’re not getting tired?
[My penis] No.

This movie is definitely New York porn. According to something called, “the internet,” that’s what director Joe Gallant is going for in most of his movies. I applaud the idea, mainly because porno movies are so rarely shot in places other than the valley, or California, for that matter. The girls don’t have any sort of California porno look to them, which, for some, can be a welcome addition.

Don't worry about me, though. My penis and I made up and watched quickie Internet porn afterwards.