Big Ben's Big Disappointment

- Bunny LeRoi

People used to tell me that I was hung, and I believed them until I met my boyfriend. To protect his identity and our monogamy, I will refer to him as Mr. Ridiculous.

Mr. Ridiculous is so large that I cried the first time he released his dick from the confines of his shorts. I've since realized that I have an ordinarily large member while Mr. Ridiculous has a, well, ridiculously large member. I've touched it, fucked it and sucked it and it iss clear that Mr. Ridiculous is one of a kind.

Blowing him is like having a log of salami shoved down your throat. So when I saw the cover of Michael Lucas' Encounters 10, I was unimpressed. The DVD cover features a weaselly twink gripping his dick with a sticker floating just above it that boasts, "Introducing 'Big Ben' 11" x 9" Uncut." I scoffed.

I am not saying that 11" x 9" is not large. All I am saying is, I've seen bigger. It takes more than a donkey dick to impress me. Unfortunately, the Auditions series provides little more than big dicks and willing bottoms. Yes, there are a couple of cute first timers getting their asses pounded by similarly inexperienced dicks, yes there is a heated three way starring Michael Lucas, and yes the DVD comes with special collectors cards, but it's hard to stand out in the world of amateur porn.

Lucas takes two, sometimes three guys, some amateur, some semi-professional and some straightup porn star and puts them in an empty room on a navy blue comforter. He then asks them questions like "How do you like New York?" or "What was your first time like?" After that they get down to fucking. Lucas barks orders from the sidelines demanding that the bottoms "push it out," meaning that they should thrust there anus as if they were gong to shit. He commands them to "Turn over!" "Dont look at the camera!" "Look like you like it!" It's like the Apprentice of gay porn, without the hot straight guys. In fact, that is exactly what Auditions is missing – straight dick.

Forget the big dick. If you want to make it in the world of amateur gay porn you have to have straight dick. While we all know that straight guys don't fuck other guys, it is still exciting to see two bros. exchanging "tips." It's the idea that they are, or could be, straight that really carries most amateur sites. But without straight dick, all that is left is a couple of long-schlonged, feigh meth addicts fucking on a dirty matress in the middle of an empty room. You are left with the same feeling you might get stumbling upon a homeless tranny sucking off a business man behind a downtown dumpster.

Luckily for Lucas, he is not an amateur pornographer. In fact, he makes some of the best gay porn with some of the hottest gay porn stars, like Kent Larson (who is hung like a child compared to Mr. Ridiculous). Clearly Lucas knows what makes a good porn star, and Big Ben has a lot to learn. That's why it is surprising that Lucas would produce and promote amateur interviews. Whether "Big Ben" is 11" or not, no one wants to watch an uncomfortable amateur get stuffed in the ass by his future employer.

“Killing What I Rub”

-Jeffrey Bab

Last night my penis and I were having a fight. It rarely happens, but when it does he usually wins. I’d like to claim victory on this one, though.

Usually, porn movies are something my penis and I have a deep understanding about. I mean, he and I both know that someone is getting naked, someone is definitely having sex and we’re both doing something about it.

The VCA flick, “Killing Courtney Luv,” started the scuffle. The movie seemed okay at first. The obvious tribute to “Taxi Driver,” has the De Niro-esque character writing in his journal about his obsession with the famous rock star, Courtney Luv. Cut to his shrine of clippings of her and I think you seriously have the actual headlines from the real Courtney Love with the pasted on body of Phoebe Luxe. I was a little intrigued. Could this be a decent and/or different porno? My penis, on the other hand, hadn’t seen a vagina yet and was beginning to get irritable.

You learn that Ms. Luv never shows up to practice cause she’s always fucked up, and her band (whose characters are the best part of the movie) can never get to writing that new album. “Blah, blah, blah,” said my penis.

The first sex scene introduces Courtney Luv by way of some weird dude that probably makes a trip every year to Burning Man, but never changes his “freaky” costume. Courtney is set up on a rooftop, and pleases herself in all manner of ways with toys that must come from some secret rooftop toy chest. There's also one hospital issue enema.

The movie’s next five sex scenes look like they were ripped from the playbook of Max Hardcore and his choose your own anal adventure series. The taxi driver's buddies trade stories about the skanks they’ve fucked and voila. I say, “boring.” My penis says, “Let’s play.”

[Me] I said no.
[My penis] Yes.
[Me] Have you been watching this man? There’s only so many times I can see that chunky redhead take it in the ass, and then immediately suck the guy off. You’re not getting tired?
[My penis] No.

This movie is definitely New York porn. According to something called, “the internet,” that’s what director Joe Gallant is going for in most of his movies. I applaud the idea, mainly because porno movies are so rarely shot in places other than the valley, or California, for that matter. The girls don’t have any sort of California porno look to them, which, for some, can be a welcome addition.

Don't worry about me, though. My penis and I made up and watched quickie Internet porn afterwards.