Jack the Zipper’s SQUEALER: VCA Pictures

The ‘film’ starts out in this haunted creepy way, like we are watching a real movie. They draw out the titles at the beginning, which is kind of long and boring. Once you get to the film, which is supposed to be all creepy, these four women (represented by all food groups: redhead, blonde, brunette and black hair) are all dressed in 2005’s version of 30’s clothing–lots of garter belts and knee length skirts. The women are attractive enough to get off on, but not in most scenes. After a while of pawing at each other, these mysterious men show up. Again, this is supposed to be scary, the music is telling me to be scared, but the girls aren’t scared–even when they are trying. There is some ‘rough fucking,’ hair pulling, and dick sucking. We are in foursome country here. Now, I like to watch rough sex as much as the next guy, but it may be too much when the chick pukes on the floor because random cock dude is face fucking her so hard that tears are streaming down and her gag reflexes fail. Boo. I guess my line is drawn at puking…

Next thing you know the girls are tied up and trying to get free. Supposed to be bondagey. If there was a story I wasn’t really following it. Oh yeah, there is no real talking in this movie aside from the pasty boney redheaded drug addict girl saying, “Fuck that ass.” But then, she does get her asshole double penetrated. Which is a sight to see. It becomes her thing, having it done in multiple scenes.

Next scene finds the redhead in the trunk of a car with all her clothes on and is tied up. She is trying desperately to act and get away from this guy who is trying to act like he is interested in catching her. All in all, this would-be rape scene is not very interesting or scary. But at least it could have been. I absolutely hate rape scenes in movies, especially when you have feelings for the characters and watch an atrocity happen to them and break their spirit a la Leaving Las Vegas. But I was interested in seeing what a rape scene in a porn might look like, when I do not care about the characters, when the whole point of watching it is to get off, etc. Many things were wrong with it. For one, she is not struggling that hard, which really goes back to the fact that she is a terrible actress and not really a good porn star. She is boring to watch and creepy to look at. The next, is he is not really trying either. All in all a really fake rape scene. Boring.

After that, we have blonde girl and one of the dark haired women in a dirty shack looking thing with a mattress. After a few minutes of playing slap and tickle the brunette takes the plastic off the random mattress and puts it over the blonde in a sort of gasping way that looks more ridiculous than sexy or for the purposes of getting off.

This leads us into a whole new random dirty building that supposedly has a basement where these girls are now being kept as ‘prisoners.’ The faceless men (in army fatigues) let the women out for sex and pawing. There is a weird basket swing one of the women is in, and you can only see her neck and head until they pan down to the basket and then her vagina. She is having sex with random faceless dude, bouncing in this basket swing thing, which is also ridiculous, though at one point, he does spin her around on his dick.

Then I was bored. This movie is lacking what it really potentially had going for it–the scary movie idea. The music was there, the intention was there, and they even had good ideas for scenes. I know what you are going to say, “porn and acting are not the same thing.” But if you really think about it those girls have to do a fair amount of work. They are put in awkward situations all the time with the uncomfortable positions and the ugly dudes they have to do for money. Or maybe, they got so good at acting like they like the sex, they can no longer act like they don’t. Wait. That is not true either. They just look bored. And them being bored made me bored.

– Z.

Big Ben's Big Disappointment

- Bunny LeRoi

People used to tell me that I was hung, and I believed them until I met my boyfriend. To protect his identity and our monogamy, I will refer to him as Mr. Ridiculous.

Mr. Ridiculous is so large that I cried the first time he released his dick from the confines of his shorts. I've since realized that I have an ordinarily large member while Mr. Ridiculous has a, well, ridiculously large member. I've touched it, fucked it and sucked it and it iss clear that Mr. Ridiculous is one of a kind.

Blowing him is like having a log of salami shoved down your throat. So when I saw the cover of Michael Lucas' Encounters 10, I was unimpressed. The DVD cover features a weaselly twink gripping his dick with a sticker floating just above it that boasts, "Introducing 'Big Ben' 11" x 9" Uncut." I scoffed.

I am not saying that 11" x 9" is not large. All I am saying is, I've seen bigger. It takes more than a donkey dick to impress me. Unfortunately, the Auditions series provides little more than big dicks and willing bottoms. Yes, there are a couple of cute first timers getting their asses pounded by similarly inexperienced dicks, yes there is a heated three way starring Michael Lucas, and yes the DVD comes with special collectors cards, but it's hard to stand out in the world of amateur porn.

Lucas takes two, sometimes three guys, some amateur, some semi-professional and some straightup porn star and puts them in an empty room on a navy blue comforter. He then asks them questions like "How do you like New York?" or "What was your first time like?" After that they get down to fucking. Lucas barks orders from the sidelines demanding that the bottoms "push it out," meaning that they should thrust there anus as if they were gong to shit. He commands them to "Turn over!" "Dont look at the camera!" "Look like you like it!" It's like the Apprentice of gay porn, without the hot straight guys. In fact, that is exactly what Auditions is missing – straight dick.

Forget the big dick. If you want to make it in the world of amateur gay porn you have to have straight dick. While we all know that straight guys don't fuck other guys, it is still exciting to see two bros. exchanging "tips." It's the idea that they are, or could be, straight that really carries most amateur sites. But without straight dick, all that is left is a couple of long-schlonged, feigh meth addicts fucking on a dirty matress in the middle of an empty room. You are left with the same feeling you might get stumbling upon a homeless tranny sucking off a business man behind a downtown dumpster.

Luckily for Lucas, he is not an amateur pornographer. In fact, he makes some of the best gay porn with some of the hottest gay porn stars, like Kent Larson (who is hung like a child compared to Mr. Ridiculous). Clearly Lucas knows what makes a good porn star, and Big Ben has a lot to learn. That's why it is surprising that Lucas would produce and promote amateur interviews. Whether "Big Ben" is 11" or not, no one wants to watch an uncomfortable amateur get stuffed in the ass by his future employer.

“Killing What I Rub”

-Jeffrey Bab

Last night my penis and I were having a fight. It rarely happens, but when it does he usually wins. I’d like to claim victory on this one, though.

Usually, porn movies are something my penis and I have a deep understanding about. I mean, he and I both know that someone is getting naked, someone is definitely having sex and we’re both doing something about it.

The VCA flick, “Killing Courtney Luv,” started the scuffle. The movie seemed okay at first. The obvious tribute to “Taxi Driver,” has the De Niro-esque character writing in his journal about his obsession with the famous rock star, Courtney Luv. Cut to his shrine of clippings of her and I think you seriously have the actual headlines from the real Courtney Love with the pasted on body of Phoebe Luxe. I was a little intrigued. Could this be a decent and/or different porno? My penis, on the other hand, hadn’t seen a vagina yet and was beginning to get irritable.

You learn that Ms. Luv never shows up to practice cause she’s always fucked up, and her band (whose characters are the best part of the movie) can never get to writing that new album. “Blah, blah, blah,” said my penis.

The first sex scene introduces Courtney Luv by way of some weird dude that probably makes a trip every year to Burning Man, but never changes his “freaky” costume. Courtney is set up on a rooftop, and pleases herself in all manner of ways with toys that must come from some secret rooftop toy chest. There's also one hospital issue enema.

The movie’s next five sex scenes look like they were ripped from the playbook of Max Hardcore and his choose your own anal adventure series. The taxi driver's buddies trade stories about the skanks they’ve fucked and voila. I say, “boring.” My penis says, “Let’s play.”

[Me] I said no.
[My penis] Yes.
[Me] Have you been watching this man? There’s only so many times I can see that chunky redhead take it in the ass, and then immediately suck the guy off. You’re not getting tired?
[My penis] No.

This movie is definitely New York porn. According to something called, “the internet,” that’s what director Joe Gallant is going for in most of his movies. I applaud the idea, mainly because porno movies are so rarely shot in places other than the valley, or California, for that matter. The girls don’t have any sort of California porno look to them, which, for some, can be a welcome addition.

Don't worry about me, though. My penis and I made up and watched quickie Internet porn afterwards.